Will I ever find a gay partner?

Dear Gay and proud, 

Pride in your identity and being part of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, and queer (LGBTQ+) community is a powerful step in navigating your fear! Your sexual orientation shouldn't be something that makes you feel ashamed. If you lost friends because you came out, they might not have really been people you want in your life. Instead, surrounding yourself with people who accept you for who you are can be a great opportunity to build self-esteem and even find potential romantic partners. Read on to learn more about finding queer community, love, and connection!  

How can you build confidence in your identity?  

Feeling more self-assured isn’t necessarily an obvious or easy path, but some strategies you might consider to boost your confidence include: 

• Coming out to safe and supportive people. This can be a great way to start feeling confident in claiming your identity. Being your authentic self and being met with support can help you feel more aligned with your identity.
• Working with a mental health professional. Sometimes it can be difficult to manage this all on your own. Speaking with a mental health professional can help you develop personalized strategies to build resilience and confidence.
• Finding representation in media. Watching a movie or reading a book with queer characters and positive depictions of queer love may help you feel seen and demonstrate the possibility of a future.
• Making social connections. You can begin to feel more comfortable if you make friends who share this identity and accept it loudly and proudly. This is explained in more depth in the section that follows. 

Why is it important to have a LGBTQ+ community  

Being the only out, gay person in your social group can be lonely. When you’re with other people you share a connection with, you often feel better about yourself because you have a sense of belonging. Becoming a part of a community means having people in your corner who care about your well-being. This kind of support can help you navigate life’s hardships. 

Additionally, having other folks with whom you can share experiences could help you overcome your fears about relationships, give you dating tips and creative pick-up lines, or commiserate with you about crushes. 

How can you find a LGBTQ+ community? 

There are many different routes you may choose to take to find a community: 

• School: You mention that you’re in college. Is there a gay-straight alliance (GSA) or LGBTQ+ group at your school? If one doesn’t already exist, you might consider starting one up! The Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network (GLSEN) can help you get your own group registered and up and running.
• Activism: Joining a queer activist group in your community might be a great way to meet other queer people. You might consider checking out Queer Youth Assemble, which is an online resource that connects you with other people interested in queer youth advocacy.
• LGBTQ+ sports leagues: There is a longstanding history of queer people gathering to play sports like roller derby, softball, kickball, and rugby. Group sports are a natural way to introduce you to new people and encourage communication and team bonding.
• Local pride centers: Depending on where you live, there might be different queer social groups that you can join and attend to meet other queer people. For example, you might try finding your nearest PFLAG chapter.
• The internet: If you live in an area without an established LGBTQ+ community, connections you make on the internet might especially help you feel less isolated. There are LGBTQ+ websites that offer community spaces, like TrevorSpace. 

Why might you consider trying online dating?  

Many LGBTQ+ people use online dating apps—in fact, research shows that it’s the most likely way LGBTQ+ people meet their romantic partners. Exploring a dating site means you’re increasing your chances of meeting new people and potentially finding a partner. This is especially true if you're not tapped into your local LGBTQ+ community. These apps can expand the dating pool beyond the people in your circle, and make dating easier, given that you can adjust your preferences to only match with people who self-identify as queer. There are also specific apps that are only for LGBTQ+ folks. These can become safe spaces and provide a sense of belonging and community culture. 

How can you (build confidence to) ask someone out?  

Once you've identified a possible connection, you can prepare to ask that person out. First, inviting someone to spend time with you is a great way to learn more about each other. You might say something like, "Hey, want to go see a movie on Friday?" or "Have you been to the new coffee shop? Maybe we could check it out after school." Getting to know the person will hopefully give you a sense of whether they share your interest. If you both seem to enjoy spending time together, you could express your romantic interest. Then, when you say something along the lines of "I really enjoy spending time with you. Would you want to be my (insert term of choice for defining your relationship)?" it won't feel like such a huge leap. 

By asking this question, you’re already putting yourself out there, which is a good step toward overcoming your fear. 

Best of luck,